It was just me and Mike in the front room.
The blackout blinds shut the evening out.
No light. No movement.
Just a couple of bottles of water left from the day.
As we began to pack
It felt like déjà vu.
I was numb.
Like I wasn’t really there.
Like I was watching it happen instead of living it.
My mind kept going back to Jane.
To that moment.
The realisation…
that she couldn't fight through this like she had always done.
The feeling to protect and care for her was still as strong.
Your mind still reaches for normal thoughts.
The kind you’d always have.
At the top of the stairs…
there was a pile of clothes.
Jane had left them there.
Ready for the wash the next day.
Just normal.
Just life.
When she put them there…
she had no idea.
The smell of her was everywhere.
Her hairband in the bathroom.
Her shampoo.
Everything stood out.
Everything was too loud in the silence.
Together we went into her room. We looked around at the space she had created. Her pink flowery box, her clothes organised and hung up. Her hairbrush and creams on the window. She had created a temporary space that was comfortable and perfect.
When I got back to Hayley’s, I had so many carrier bags.
Clothes. Anything I could think of.
I brought Corey’s suitcase too.
All his things.
He said he still wanted to go.
Three nights away.
The thought of it… after this…
felt impossible.
But I knew.
Being with his friends.
Being busy.
Getting out of it, even for a bit
That’s what he needed.
His dad had paid for the trip and his mum had carried that on with organising and buying everything he needed. He wanted to go in their memory and knew that they would want him too.
I told him I could get to him.
Anytime.
Just call me.
My tears just fell.
I didn’t hide them.
I didn’t know how I was going to get through the night.
Just replaying everything.
Over and over.
As it got darker…
the thoughts changed.
I kept thinking
I couldn’t protect her.
That stayed with me.
Still does.
It made everything feel fragile.
Life.
Time.
How quickly it can all change.
How people remember you. I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring.
The thought of telling people
I couldn’t face it.
Plans had changed but it was Father’s Day tomorrow and we wanted to mark the day.
We decided to just let of the balloons and include one for Jane.
We chose one pink heart.
For Mum.
A quiet promise… until we could do more.
It was simple.
But it mattered.
That night, the lamps were low.
We put the TV on.
Hayley had set up a blow up bed which gave us small moments of distraction and laughter.
Nothing had changed we were all together and we would lift each other up.