Saturday 14th June 2025
“My name is Kevin.”
That's all I heard.
And I started walking backwards down the stairs.
No.
No, this can’t be happening.
We’ve just lost their dad.
This can’t be happening.
He stood there, calm and professional.
I remember looking at him as if he might correct himself. As if he might say he’d made a mistake.
Instead, I turned and walked into the front room.
I pointed.
At Peter’s ashes.
At the massive canvas we’d had made for his funeral.
As if that proved something.
As if there was a limit to how much one family was allowed to lose.
“We’ve just lost him,” I remember saying. "The kids"
Like that should have changed the outcome.
Kevin was still speaking, explaining something gently, but I couldn’t hear him properly. I cant explain the feeling inside of me. The crushing reality of it all, the future she was so hopefully for, the future she DESERVED, the kids DESERVED, and their world fucking imploding.
Bailey was due to see Hayley Peter’s sister in an hour.
There were plans. There was a schedule.
The world had not paused.
Fifteen Minutes Earlier
My alarm went off.
Saturday morning. Already so hot.
For a split second I didn’t know what day it was. Then I remembered. Corey’s sleepover. I’d promised I’d be there early.
I got up, threw some clothes on, and walked past Jane’s door.
It was slightly ajar, like always. Peter's washbasket wedged in the doorway so you couldn’t see in properly.
I didn’t think twice about it.
Why would I?
I went downstairs to make a quick coffee.
My phone rang.
Corey.
“I don’t feel well.”
My brain switched immediately.
What did you eat?
Who’s there?
Are you okay?
He’d eaten butter. Since Peter died, we'd worked out he was lactose intolerant. I’d changed everything at home.
“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m coming now.”
I shouted up the stairs.
“Jane!” I knew he would want his mum.
Nothing. I shouted again.Still nothing.
I assumed she couldn’t hear me.
I ran upstairs and pushed her door open and walked in.
And everything inside me went quiet for a moment.
She was peacefully sleeping in her normal position with her blanket tucked under her chin.
She looked so peaceful it was like she was having an amazing dream. Happiness etched all over her face. Her natural beauty shone through with the slicked back bun she had done the night before perfectly in place.
There’s a split second where your brain offers you something easier.
She’s exhausted.
She’s in a deep sleep.
She’s fine.
But another part of me already knew.
No, no, no I shouted.
And disbelief collided with instinct.
This can’t be happening.
I walked back downstairs.
Everything looked the same.
The kettle.
The mug.
For a second, I thought I could just drive.
Get in the car.
Go and get him.
But when I stood up properly, my legs weren’t steady.
Not shaking.
Just weak.
I wasn’t going anywhere.
There was only one person I could call.
Peter’s sister.
I called her.
I don’t remember exactly how I said it.
I just know I said her name and I said I needed help now.
“I don’t want him to find out like this"
She asked if I’d called 999.
I hadn’t.
I was just thinking of how I was going to protect him. I knew nothing could be done and that she would want me to focus on the kids.
She told me to call and that she could collect Corey.
So I did. The call dropped twice.
“Emergency. Which service?”
“Ambulance.”My voice was steady.
They asked if she was breathing.
The call handler started to give me instructions but all I could say is that I couldn't she was already gone. After repeating herself so many times I started to doubt myself. I ran upstairs again.
I would have done anything in the world for her to be ok but she deserved to stay in the peace she had left in not with her big sister pulling her all over the place. I would have done anything to bring her back. Why didnt they take me instead? I would swap places in a heartbeat if it meant she could stay.
She had fought to be heard by so many doctors since the beginning of her encephalitis journey and I still needed to advocate for her now. NO I said again. The room was so peaceful with her things all around her. No one could have asked for more.
“You’re doing really well,”
Just one ambulance calmly arrived.
He went upstairs.
I followed halfway and stopped at the bend of the stairs.
I looked at my phone Hayley had text me to say that she was coming to me. She had arranged for her friend who had been taking the kids to school for Peter to collect him. She was a close family friend and someone that Corey wouldn't be alarmed with showing up.
Suddenly it hit me MY MUM. What was this going to do to her. She had just had a significant operation and was still weak physically. My mum had been with my sister through it all. Although there had many uncertain times after being in critical care or when facing complications from the medication this was not one of them. She had seen her middle daughter her Jane the happiest she had ever been and experienced special moments that she wasn’t sure she would experience again. This would be the furtherest thing from her mind. I was scared but I knew she would be comforted knowing I was there.
Another lady arrived to assist Kevin with some checks. In shock I advised them of her medical history and needs. I had a letter she had gathered for the housing tribunal so I gave them this. They asked me about the last time I had seen her and how she was. I was racking my brains as I had seen her at various times that evening (thank god) and the only thing I could think of was the dizzy spell she had experienced a few days ago. We had put it down to the heat, long day/week, and the fact she had left her water when travelling by bus. She was tired but that was to be expected the heat was unbearable but nothing that stood out as concerning. I pick up on everything and there was NOTHING big or small. After a busy couple of weeks and a long day Thursday she had finally decided to have a relaxing bath before making dinner for us both the previous night. She was capable, laughing, alert, making plans, and excited to hear all about the kids night. She was so happy when Corey’s friends mum sent a photo of him from the party, he had been through so much it was comforting to know that he could forget for a few hours.
I took a breath and started to make the calls.
I called my brother Mike. No answer.
I called Mum’s best friend my auntie. She’d been there when I made the call about Peter. I wanted to make sure my mum was supported.
“You need to sit down,” I said.
Mike called back.
I asked him to sit down too.
I told him that I needed him to drive up and tell Mum.
I apologised.
I couldn't protect my little brother either.
I had delivered so much devastating news that I was sorry that he would have to carry this.
I called Dad....
More people knew but I still wanted to protect my little sister and more importantly her kids.
It wasn’t something I could so. My life was burning down and there was no water.
Hayley arrived and it in that moment it became more real. Two strangers now connected by unbareable tragedy. We had both become part of a club that we couldn't escape from and the direct debit couldn't be cancelled.
The police arrived following the confirmation from the ambulance. It is procedure when someone passes unexpectedly as they need to await for coroners office. Two female officers arrived. I often wonder what it must feel like walking into someone's nightmare. I asked them if she was ok I know it sounds weird but it was still my job to protect her. They assured me she will be taken care of every step of the way.
I asked if I could see her as I was conscious that this might be the last time. I considered what she would want and decided to talk with the door ajar.
In my mind she wasn’t a grown woman.
She was my little sister.
The little girl I had always protected.
I felt like she could see what was happening.
Like she might be frightened.
So I spoke to her calmly.
I told her not to be scared and to listen for our nans voice. I told her that I was going to have to leave but that I would be back.
I sang her a song that we has been carried through generations, and as I stood there, I noticed her toes.
Baby pink.
Bailey had done them for her.
They were perfect.
She’d been so happy with them and felt like she was walking on clouds.
Thank God she’d done them, I thought.
I made a final PROMISE to her and asked for strength.